Over the past year, I have worked with more than twenty girls and women currently in education from primary school through to University aged 9 to 40. All came to me experiencing difficulties in learning and the majority without any diagnosis with only 4 having an existing diagnosis all of which were for Autism. Of the 15 school-aged girls, just 2 were on the school SEN Register, and none had an EHCP. Of the 5 women, just one had previously been identified as having any special educational needs whilst at school although they had not received any additional support beyond exam access arrangements. All went on to be diagnosed or referred onwards for Dyslexia, Dyspraxia, ADHD or Autism.
So, what was the experience of these girls and women of education, before their full learning needs were identified? Here is what they and their parents told me.
Friendships
Most women and girls reported experiencing difficulties making and maintaining friendships in school and several found themselves in friendships that they or their parents described as ‘controlling’ or otherwise they themselves would dominate their peers. They would be described as falling into ‘intense’ friendships in which they were possessive or with other girls demonstrating these behaviours towards them. Parents related how this pattern could repeat itself many times over the years. Parents often said that their daughters had a close friend where they had managed to find some clear common ground, although these would often be affected by misunderstandings and fall outs which would cause anxiety and worry for some.
Some older girls in secondary school, said that they were not bothered about not having friends in school and did not feel that they had much in common with their peers and therefore would spend their breaks alone. Others however said that they have a small friendship group, but this would for some of those, lead to some challenging situations again with peers taking advantage of them, dominating and ostracising them from the group. Some girls and women who talked of experiences in school described feeling ‘unliked’ whilst others spoke of bullying.
It was common for the women and girls to describe themselves as having a strong sense of justice and fairness as well as kindness to others and a parent explained that her primary aged daughter found relationships with peers a great difficulty as she did not understand why anyone would wish to ever be unkind to others. Such situations, lead to many of the respondents describing how they withdraw from interactions. Several parents explained how their school-aged daughters were very good with younger children, gravitating towards them, whereas the older girls would prefer to interact with adults in school.
Parents described that their daughters were aware of a ‘difference’ between themselves and their peers and that they did not share interests and yet would still be ‘desperate’ to be part of their group.
Some women and girls recounted experiences of devastating and distressing break ups of friendships when in school, which they had limited understanding of the reasons behind. There were incidences of this leading to emotionally based school absence at least partially attributed to such events. Unfortunately when this occurred, girls found this made the situation even more difficult as friends would comment on their absence or for others, it meant that they had less opportunities and contact in order to build and maintain friendships effectively.
In contrast, where teachers commented on girls’ social relationships with peers in school, they would say that they were always keen to support others and will always volunteer to help in whatever way they can; that they had a ‘calm manner’ or that there were ‘no difficulties’ and they were ‘felt to be popular, accepted and friendly’. Otherwise, girls were taken at their word, that they did not wish to have friends.
Bullying
Most girls and women described bullying both in school and in some instances, in further and higher education. The latter was not just from peers but also perceived to be from teachers and lecturers at least in one situation.
One girl described how a pupil in her friendship group encouraged all the other girls to taunt her both physically and with words but said how she felt the need to forgive them as otherwise she would be left without friends. Others described the impact of social media and how peers would use this to say unkind words or send cruel images. Adult respondents, also talked in detail of experiences of physical and verbal bullying when they had been in school due to differences such as how they spoke, behaved or because of learning or physical difference.
Women talked of their current experience of education as adult students. Situations such as a lecturer criticising a student who needed to chew gum or move around to regulate and another student feeling intimidated when requesting additional access arrangements for exams and then being told that they ‘do not look autistic’. Some in further education also reported ostracisation amongst their peers and a distinct feeling of loneliness.
Environment and sensory sensitivity
Parents described their daughters’ sensory responses to the school environment; one was so sensitive to noise that it could make her physically sick where others were reactive to people they perceived to shout or raise their voice. One girl explained that it was difficult in school to ‘filter out’ background noise. Many of the girls themselves were described by their parents and teachers as being very calm and quiet even when their peers would get over excited or loud. At such times, some girls would instead choose to be alone or ‘shut down.’
Many girls and their parents reported sensitivity to the texture of clothing; for some, they would not wear clothing that would normally be socially accepted, certainly at home and this had knock on effect on what they could wear in school. Schools were generally understanding and accommodating where this related to uniform making adaptations for the individual.
Older girls explained that although they find sitting still for extended periods difficult, they would not get up and walk around where it wasn’t appropriate to do so. Instead they supressed this sensory need.
On a few occasions teachers acknowledged that pupils were often anxious and hypervigilant of behaviour around them and sensitive to noise within the classroom, however overall, teachers did not often report an awareness of such difficulties with these girls.
Learning
Women and girls were often aware of having to work much harder than they felt their peers did, in order to learn, to retain learning and to maintain concentration. School-aged girls were described by their parents as always working hard and becoming anxious to keep up with their peers and manage in tests. One girl said that teachers went ‘too fast’ and that they would move on to something else while she was still working. Girls said that they can find it difficult to ask for help when they don’t understand but worry that if they ask a friend, they may get told off for talking and they do not like to draw attention to themselves. One girl explained how when she is anxious, she finds it difficult to concentrate in lessons which further impacted on her learning.
Most girls were able to identify a teacher who stood out as being supportive, but were clear that not enough recognised, understood or acknowledged their needs.
Parents regularly reported that difficulties in learning and homework were areas of conflict at home. For some, this would lead to a great deal of distress and tension with some girls having emotional outbursts towards their parents as a result. Most girls reported enjoying practical and creative subjects and shared their creations with me, which were indeed exceptional far beyond the skills that would be expected for their age. Women too described that the practical subjects especially art and design were favoured school subjects as well as many being very keen and talented with sports.
Other girls loved learning and parents would say that when something piqued their interest , they would become totally absorbed and passionate.
Most girls experienced specific difficulties with summoning up ideas for writing and their verbal skills invariably outweighed those of their written skills. Most had a diagnosis of Dyslexia and so this would be expected however, even where they did not and instead had or were suspected to have, Autism or ADHD, they would equally share this particular trait. One girl said that she felt her difficulties with writing were overlooked, due to her having neat handwriting.
Attendance
A number of girls and women reported low school attendance. This often started in secondary school where they would make excuses that they were unwell, or others would begin to refuse altogether. One girl described herself as the ‘perfect student’ prior to secondary school, when her attendance rapidly deteriorated. Girls who struggled with attendance did not feel that others fully understood their difficulties. One girl said that she had hidden her true self in school for a long time and described how the mask was ‘now slipping.’
Parents of younger girls often described how getting their daughter into school was a daily challenge filled with tears, refusals to cooperate in getting ready or travel to school and enter the school gates. They also describe how at the end of a school day; their daughters are exhausted and either show low mood or anger.
It is by no means my intention in sharing my findings from work with women and girls, to suggest that neurodivergent boys and men have not had similar experiences of education. I have met many boys and men whose needs have sadly also not been identified or understood and at great cost to their emotional health. However, it is recognised that this can be a particular problem for females and that diagnosis can often come much later to them.
Whilst here I have talked of the experience of girls and women, regardless of gender, if your child, a child you know or a child you teach, is presenting any of these difficulties, or they or their parent tell you that they do, please listen and just consider that they may be neurodivergent. Your support to explore this further could make all the difference.
I am a retired Deputy Head of a special school, taught for 25 years in both mainstream and special schools and currently work as an independent Special Educational Needs Consultant and Specialist SPLD Assessor.
