The trickiest thing about meltdowns is possibly the responses and judgments of others and so meltdowns outside the home are particularly challenging to cope with. As parents when we go out and about, we are on hyper-alert, as a result.
Recently I was privy to the experience of some people sitting on a neighbouring table to us in a restaurant. They had a little girl, probably about 10 years old, she was the only child with them and seemed happy, excited and enjoying her meal out. Suddenly however, without any warning the girl began to stamp, cry and scream. The Dad had come back from the bar with what I can only assume was the wrong lemonade. As his daughter sobbed, he dashed away back to the bar whilst her mother tried various methods to appease her. In her probable initial panic, she tried the, ‘I won’t take you anywhere ever again’, strategy, which of course did nothing to console her daughter. The crying soon stopped, when her mum sympathised, reassured her and held her in a tight close hug, making soothing sounds and occasional reassuring words of validation. Her dad returned swiftly, with to my untrained eye, what appeared to be an identical glass of lemonade, but I am sure that there was something specific about it, that made the difference to this little girl. Order was restored. Later, they ordered dessert, and the mother asked the child, ‘If they don’t have strawberry ice cream, what will you have instead?’ The little girl happily told her mother that if no strawberry, she would have chocolate.
No one in the restaurant flinched, perhaps because the parents dealt with it quickly and kindly and with empathy. Of course, sometimes, people will look, that’s inevitable sometimes they will comment judgmentally. With family, some of us will experience the eye rolling or the commenting about how our parenting is all wrong or how our child would never behave like that with them. It’s embarrassing, we panic, and our stress levels rise, making it so much more difficulty to respond the way that we would want to. So how can we manage meltdowns when out and about?
Proactive planning is key
For some of us, when we are out of our comfort zone, our anxiety begins to increase. At these times, we can tolerate stressors less easily , we can process a situation less easily and we can problem solve less easily. If something then goes wrong, we can meltdown. Forward planning is key to giving some chance of minimising the risk of this.
- Know as much as you can about the place you are going, for example if a restaurant, check menus online (although be prepared for something to be ‘off’ the menu), if the Zoo, do you have to leave via the gift shop? (if so, factor that in), will there be queuing, will there be waiting? What will you see and what will you do there? Will there be anyone else there that you know?
- Write a social story or therapeutic story about what to expect for the visit (although don’t be so prescriptive that nothing is left to chance) using the information you have found out. Do this, even if they have been before. Include ideas on what your child can do if they have a problem.
- Consider potential trigger points in advance and know what your plan will be if you come across them– you will know your child best
- Have a few cheap distraction items with you that the child has not seen before, blowing bubbles, hand held puzzles – the kind of things you get in party bags – you can pull one out as soon as your child appears a bit restless or agitated
- Pre-plan where you might take your child if you need a quiet space for them
- If your child seems like they may become restless, take them off for a quick walk or to do a quick task to keep them busy or an activity somewhere away from the situation
- Manage your own emotions. It is not easy of course but children reflect back our emotions, if they sense a bit of panic, stress or irritation in us, their own emotions heighten. I often find that being non-emotive or reflecting back positive and upbeat emotion works well, dependent on the situation.
Reactive Responses
Sometimes, however much you plan, you may not be able to avoid something going off-plan or there being a trigger and a meltdown may happen. If so:
- It’s important to validate your child’s feelings – let them know that you understand, acknowledge, empathise with, and accept their thoughts, feelings and behaviours
- Go to a pre-planned quiet space (the car if necessary!) if you feel it won’t end fairly quickly. This removes you from others’ and their eye-rolling, so you and your child can both feel calmer
- Hug firmly, if that is what calms your child, many children and adults find this soothing
- Limit language – this is not the time to question, debrief or lecture
Opinionated Others!
- Ignore –it might seem cathartic to tell them what to do with their opinions, however it will heighten your stress levels further and the atmosphere for your child.
- Focus your efforts on what you know will work best for your child in that moment, and ignore everything and everyone else
- Don’t attempt to educate others in the heat of the moment. At another quiet and calm time, when you are with a family member, perhaps your own parent or sibling, open up then. Confide in them. Use diagnostic labels if it helps them understand. Give them one behaviour strategy that you feel will make the best difference to the situation, for you and your child next time, and tell them that’s what a specialist told you. For me, I told my mother that the specialist had said that it is important not to comment negatively on behaviour, only ever positively. This meant that she was not in a position to give an opinion at the critical moment. It was a simple change that she could make and a straightforward piece of advice for her to remember and she couldn’t argue as it came from a ‘specialist’!
