Masking is where a neurodivergent person, will apply rehearsed behaviours that do not come to them naturally at the same time as suppressing those behaviours that do occur naturally. Everyone presents themselves differently at times according to the environment and situation and people they find themselves with. For a neurodivergent person, typically someone who is autistic, ADHD, PDA, dyslexic, dyspraxic, the desire to fit in, to not stand out as different and to be accepted and acceptable to others, can mean that they find themselves in a state of masking for extended periods of time and this can be overwhelming and exhausting. Consciously or subconsciously, a neurodivergent person can ‘learn’ to do this from a young age.
Why mask?
Societal expectations and the attitudes, responses and behaviours of those around us towards neurodivergent presentations, drive this primarily. It is certainly about ‘fitting in’ but also, it’s a form of self-protection from potential negative responses. Of course, everybody experiences situations and environments where they must curb their natural impulses and they adapt their behaviour and true selves to some degree in different environments. However, a neurodivergent person can find themselves having to do so almost all of the time.
Why masking is a problem
Many neurodivergent people, whether a child masking all day in school or an adult masking all day in the workplace, are having to focus a large degree of emotional and mental effort on doing so for several hours every day of the week. This is exhausting. For some, the effort of fitting in and knowing what to say with the social chat or the office ‘banter’; the time spent agonising over whether or not they should or shouldn’t do something – If I have a cup of tea, who else should I ask if they want one? Can I go and join in with that group sitting eating their lunch together, will I look odd if I sit on my own, I would like to join them but what if they mind that I don’t have much to say unless it is about work? Can I join in with the group playing football? What excuse can I give when I need to move around during lesson time? Can I tell my teacher I don’t understand what I need to do? If I ask my teacher and I still don’t understand like last time, will they be annoyed?
All of this creates stress for an individual. This constant having to make sure that you are not ‘found out’ or that you are not going to upset or disappoint someone. It’s also not at all relaxing to have to explicitly consider your every move throughout a day, to stay in role, be hypervigilant in case others think less of you. Added to this is the suppression of the person’s true self and needs. Some people will suppress their natural stims, hide their sensory needs or their passion for their interests which also takes its emotional toll. There is much research evidence to show that the very high rates of anxiety and depression in neurodivergent people can at least in part be attributed to the trauma of stigma and the resulting masking.
School pupils tell me that to mask their difference and their authentic selves, they might just be very quiet in school; they don’t ask for help, they don’t answer questions, some say that they are often absent from school because it becomes too much. Some isolate themselves by going to the library to hide behind a book or a computer at break times or try to do jobs for the teachers even though in reality they do not want to be isolated, and they do want to join in with peers. Others adapt to their peers and try to copy how they behave but live in fear of being without friends if they get it wrong.
In these situations, the strategy works on the surface. Teachers believe that a child has a ‘good group of friends’ or that they ‘enjoy doing jobs’. They believe that the child is ‘fine in school’ and tell the parents so. The parent sees however, that as soon as their child leaves school at the end of a day, they are dysregulated, they are angry or sad or tearful or they are unable to speak. Parents find that Sunday is a nightmare day as their child’s anxiety about having to go to school the next day ramps up, they have to force their child out of bed (sometimes unsuccessfully), on a weekday, they struggle to physically get them out of the door and many children start to refuse school altogether.
Parents find that this misconception by teachers that their child is ‘fine when they get there’ is extremely problematic. It is the greatest misfortune that schools appear to be the gateway to referrals for Autism and ADHD assessments as teachers more often than not do not see the difficulties, the child is too busy masking them. Unfortunately, despite these being medical diagnoses, all too often, parents report that their GP tells them that the school must make the referral. It seems strange to me that a teacher is not deemed qualified to diagnose Autism and ADHD but is expected to determine when a child needs to be referred. It is also a misconception that a teacher will have witnessed and recognised the child’s difficulties in the school environment – which of course if they mask, they don’t always see this. A great many teachers seem to be of the opinion that as they do not witness or recognise the difficulties, that they do not exist or otherwise that the parent is anxious, exaggerating or fabricating the problems or that they are the cause of the problem. What a shame that more teachers are not listening to parents and taking them at their word. What a shame that diagnosis too, relies on the difficulties and traits being seen in a second environment when masking is such a prevalent feature of these neurotypes.
This problem is repeated when it comes to getting the correct educational support for their children. Parents again describe the difficulties that their child shows only to find that teachers again assume that as they do not witness this, that it is a problem specific to and caused by the home environment. For this reason, teachers do not feel it necessary to adapt what they do in the day to make it possible for the child to be themselves and have their needs met and often also do not support parents in gaining additional support such as through an EHCP.
In the workplace, neurodivergent people can feel reluctant to disclose their diagnosis or their authentic selves for fear that it will change how this will be received and how they will be treated. Some may suspect they have a difference but avoid acknowledging this openly or seeking diagnosis particularly in the worst situations where they have already experienced negative jibes from colleagues: ‘You’re so autistic!’ said as a negative (yes really!) or ‘You talk too much,’ ‘You’re too quiet,’ You need to be more assertive,’ ‘You don’t smile enough,’ ‘You’re too aggressive’, ‘You’re rude.’ With this attitude towards difference, it would be no wonder someone would feel driven to mask, so that others accept them, so that they do not draw attention for these unwanted characteristics and so that others can feel more comfortable in their environment at the neurodivergent person’s expense.
Some neurodivergent people in the workplace, might feel more comfortable with developing their ‘professional mask.’ They can hide behind their expertise and knowledge, which may often be a strength, or their work might be one of their passions and interests; they gain respect for this and are valued as a result, but any social aspect of work life might fill them with dread.
Some people might use alcohol or drugs as a means to give them more confidence in social situations or again, in order to feel that they are fitting in with peers and for some this can bring additional problems of its own.
As a result of the responses of others, a neurodivergent person will try to ‘fit in’, try to mirror other people’s behaviours, the way they dress or the way they interact and the way they smile or even the things that they say, the way they walk and the accent they use. Many neurodivergent people become adept at role play and at mimicry. Some might create alternate realities in their minds, one where they are accepted and have greater control, others may take on what appear to be alter-egos as a more obvious mask. Still again however, this creates even more stress and ultimately, I have seen it lead to meltdown or worse complete burnout.
Individuals have described how it is exhausting to never leave a social event feeling positive, instead to be worrying about everything you did or didn’t say or do and how well you did or didn’t hold up your mask. They feel forced to mask in order to be accepted, to avoid loneliness or to be completely unnoticed, but then self-conscious as the way they have to behave feels so alien. Otherwise, before they go to an event, they need to know that they will have a specific role, something to do, so that their obvious lack of neurotypical interaction is not highlighted or otherwise they need to know exactly what to expect and who will be there, so that they can pre-plan scripts or get themselves into their alternate persona.
As well as the exhaustion and the emotional toll, there are other problems caused by masking for some people. Difficulties being able to admit or voice their struggles can lead to problems getting the support needed.
This can be seen where a child or adult is unable to say aloud the extent of their difficulties when they are being questioned by medical professionals or when they are questioned by assessors at benefits interviews. Again, this is not surprising when you have always been marginalised or stigmatised for these difficulties. I have observed this at close hand as a person downplayed the impact of their struggles on their daily life, perhaps because this has become habitual, perhaps out of embarrassment and shame and the judgment has therefore been, that there is not a sufficient impact for them to be able to get the support they need such as diagnosis or treatment from medical professionals -‘You can’t be autistic, you made eye contact,’ ‘You don’t have fine motor difficulties, you can press the keys on a mobile phone,’ ‘You don’t have memory difficulties, you remembered the three objects I showed you earlier.’ – social care, benefits or education.
There is a long way to go, and a lot would need to change in all areas of society especially education, the workplace, medical care, benefits systems, social groups before many neurodivergent people will feel confident to consider lowering the mask. Masking is invisible. Masking is doubly difficult for the uninitiated neurotypical to recognise it and acknowledge its existence. Of course, this will make it tricky for people who do not know the person well and sometimes even those that do!
So, in the meantime, teachers, medical professionals, family and friends, please take people at their word; accept neurodivergent individuals for who they are, try not to criticise difference, include them, and listen to them and those that advocate for them. Perhaps then, the mask can begin to come down.
I am a former Deputy Head of a special school, with lived experience of neurodivergence. I taught for 25 years in both mainstream and special schools and currently work as an independent Special Educational Needs Consultant and Specialist SPLD Assessor.
